August 1st, 1996. Sarah Roberts’ Journal

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This is the way the world ends. this is the way the world ends. not with a BANG but with a whimper.
(who said that… Eliot? i don’t remember. maybe if my english teacher hadn’t been such a pathetic sexual predator-in-training then I would have actually learned something.)

but the thing is… not with a bang but A WHIMPER. it sounds so right. and it’s so scary, and when something so unfair has to happen,  for the end to be so sad & small only makes it all more unfair. and upsetting.
This whole thing with Gwen… is that IT? the way we ended the phone call with each other… i mean, is this the end of the line? shouldn’t I know? and didn’t we deserve more?  (oh god don’t start writing in the past tense…) don’t we deserve more ??!

I mean…Gwen has always been the vibrant one, the more exciting one, the beautiful, brash and bold one. And I love that she is. I love that she lights up the room and that people “like” her more. I don’t resent that I’m not that way. Not at all. I’m proud of her, and I’m happy & proud to be with her & love her.  But ever since she’s been taking her “gap year” off from college … it’s like…well, it’s like she’s been wilting.
like she’s a flower that hasn’t been getting its nutrients.  She’s been less vibrant, less sure of herself, …more needy. very needy. And maybe a lesser person, or someone passive-agressive would be happy. Happy as in “OH yes. I finally get to light up the room. I get to be the one everyone is obsessed with now. I get to rule the lime-light.”  But I’m not. AND NOR DO I RESENT HER BEING NEEDY.
I just want my girlfriend to feel OK again. I want her to feel sure of herself again…  and I really think that “where she is” (metaphorically) right now is getting in the way of that and I don’t want her to sell herself short or cause herself to wilt away. It makes me so sad because she deserves for the whole word to conspire in her favor.

And the other thing– she keeps nagging me . Nagging me about telling my parents about us. And I GET IT. I DO. How could I not? But her liberal bourgeois  European phony bohemian parents are different from mine… and I wish she would get off my back about it, because it only makes it HARDER.

It only makes me feel more afraid, and like I can’t even THINK. And it makes me MORE afraid, because then it’s like she isn’t even acting like an ally — or like a person I could rely on for support –  And if she’s antagonizing me, and then I do finally tell my parents, well then, what’s left ?! If I can’t rely on her — I have nothing. If even your girlfriend is antagonizing you, then it’s like you really ARE all alone, without anyone to lean on.  If she would just be supportive it would make it so much easier to actually take that next step…

FUCK. I miss her. I love her. And I am so confused. I feel like someone tied me up in a brown paper bag and shook me all around and now I dont even know which way is up or down or east or west.
–SARAH.

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